Back and Forth.

“I’ve been going back and forth. I love the way I’m living, but I hate it at the same time because I know I’m sinning. And I don’t want to be like the hypocritical Christians, so I stay away from Jesus completely until I’m ready to give Him everything… but that seems like it will never happen. My girl is coming over later- you know what’s about to happen. Is eternity in Hell worth some moments of this satisfaction? I’m so back and forth.”

 

Who doesn’t feel this? Being back and forth, loving the pleasure but hating the consequences. I have been on the fence lately because I've put my faith on the back burner. Avoiding the decision between choosing Jesus or myself to live for.

 

“I’ve got two choices. Both require pain. One’s the pain of change or the pain of staying the same. One of them leads to joy, the other one leads to shame. One of them leads to freedom, the other keeps me in chains.”

 

It feels right to look after my own skin. I understand myself best. Going after whatever I feel like seems like the best plan.

 

“I wear a cross and give You thanks for my blessings… isn’t that enough? Why do You want everything? Can’t You leave this part of my life untouched? I thought following You meant I only had to say yes once. Now every day I wake up, you give me some cross to take up. You really want me to break up with my girl? Now that’s too much. I know what’s best for me. You don’t understand my complexity.”

 

Then I hear Jesus speak through different parts of my life. I know I’m confused. Things aren’t right. I’m unhappy. I feel no fulfillment. He’s calling my name and I know I can’t run. Back and forth.

 

“I drown on broken hearts. A man full of regrets. The thrill has left, the empty promises of sin sets. You want to put treasure inside my hands but You cease because they’re clamped, holding on the sins I won’t release. I don’t know how to start loving You and stop doing what I’m doing. You have to change me and my sins or I’ll never choose You. My heart needs to see something greater than what I’m pursuing. Is it true that You give rest to the weary? Can You accept and repair me? Do You even hear me?”

 

“It’s so clear and now it’s painfully apparent that I can’t have my sin and my Savior. They aren’t for sharing. Anything that I lose to follow You is not a loss. My girlfriend, my friends, my money. Even my job. But sometimes, I believe the lie that God doesn’t provide for His children when they obey. He’s calling me to freedom, I think it’s time to walk. I don’t see every step, but the next is out of the dark.”

 

I’m the filthiest of them all, but I’m Yours if You wash me from that sin, by the blood of that cross.
I’m Yours.