Thursday, April 19, 2012

I don't know.

It's been a while since I have updated the blog, but I feel like getting back into it.

I don't know. Life is a struggle right now.

I want to follow Jesus more than anything. More than a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. I wish I knew how to do it. I feel so wrapped up in my life here in Michigan. Wrapped up in school, work, social life. I'm held captive in MI. I'm confused because I have this desire... maybe moreso an obsession, with leaving. I want to leave so bad. But how can I? With the fact that I am midway through school... how can I leave my education and be able to take care of myself with no degree? Bleh.

Seriously, people. I'm obsessed with leaving my life.
My safe life. I have this desire to leave safety and search for Jesus... in ways that can be dangerous. I've found Him in my every day life, but I want more. I want to find more of Him in ways that will really draw me close. I feel so safe in my cocoon of school and work because they are an excuse to not give more of my time to Him. I need to take away the safety net somehow. But how?

I feel like Bella Swan. Seeking her beloved Edward by putting herself in dangerous situations to hear his voice.

However, God is way better than Edward. Also, Bella is dumb.

Maybe I'm wrong. God can be found anywhere, but only if you seek Him out. Maybe I don't have to seek danger and persecution to be closer to Jesus. But why is my heart being pulled to do so? Like, its not a tug. It's a yank. A constant, downright annoying yank that I think about so much.
Ugh. Ya know what I mean?

Yes. Yes I do.

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