Back and Forth.

“I’ve been going back and forth. I love the way I’m living, but I hate it at the same time because I know I’m sinning. And I don’t want to be like the hypocritical Christians, so I stay away from Jesus completely until I’m ready to give Him everything… but that seems like it will never happen. My girl is coming over later- you know what’s about to happen. Is eternity in Hell worth some moments of this satisfaction? I’m so back and forth.”

 

Who doesn’t feel this? Being back and forth, loving the pleasure but hating the consequences. I have been on the fence lately because I've put my faith on the back burner. Avoiding the decision between choosing Jesus or myself to live for.

 

“I’ve got two choices. Both require pain. One’s the pain of change or the pain of staying the same. One of them leads to joy, the other one leads to shame. One of them leads to freedom, the other keeps me in chains.”

 

It feels right to look after my own skin. I understand myself best. Going after whatever I feel like seems like the best plan.

 

“I wear a cross and give You thanks for my blessings… isn’t that enough? Why do You want everything? Can’t You leave this part of my life untouched? I thought following You meant I only had to say yes once. Now every day I wake up, you give me some cross to take up. You really want me to break up with my girl? Now that’s too much. I know what’s best for me. You don’t understand my complexity.”

 

Then I hear Jesus speak through different parts of my life. I know I’m confused. Things aren’t right. I’m unhappy. I feel no fulfillment. He’s calling my name and I know I can’t run. Back and forth.

 

“I drown on broken hearts. A man full of regrets. The thrill has left, the empty promises of sin sets. You want to put treasure inside my hands but You cease because they’re clamped, holding on the sins I won’t release. I don’t know how to start loving You and stop doing what I’m doing. You have to change me and my sins or I’ll never choose You. My heart needs to see something greater than what I’m pursuing. Is it true that You give rest to the weary? Can You accept and repair me? Do You even hear me?”

 

“It’s so clear and now it’s painfully apparent that I can’t have my sin and my Savior. They aren’t for sharing. Anything that I lose to follow You is not a loss. My girlfriend, my friends, my money. Even my job. But sometimes, I believe the lie that God doesn’t provide for His children when they obey. He’s calling me to freedom, I think it’s time to walk. I don’t see every step, but the next is out of the dark.”

 

I’m the filthiest of them all, but I’m Yours if You wash me from that sin, by the blood of that cross.
I’m Yours.

If you really knew me.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love coffees and teas.
But you would also know that I don't like strong flavors and that I have a pretty bland palette.

If you really knew me, you'd know that sitting down and watching a movie at night with a blanket and bad weather happening outside is actually one of my favorite things to do.
And I love going to the movie theater. I just love movies.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am really creative and I love to make things. Papercrafting is pretty much my zen.

If you really knew me, you would know that I actually really like science. Specifically anatomy.

If you knew me, you would know that I would much rather receive flowers or candy than a stuffed animal. Not a fan of stuffed animals.

You would know that I love lemons so much, but I'll skip out on lemonade. What's up with that?

You would be well aware that dogs make me really happy.

If you knew the deepest parts of my heart, you would know that I really struggle with God's decree that homosexuality is a sin. But I love the word and think it's perfect, so I trust in Him.

You would also know that I struggle with some of my appearance. I don't often voice it, but I don't care for my smile, the paleness of my skin, or the size of my breasts. I am reminded of the verse in Song of Solomon that says "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (4:7 NIV), and that makes me feel lovely again.

You would know that, deep down, I really want to be pursued. Like most women, I want to be the beauty of some great story or adventure. But that want is often buried because it seems like a luxury granted only to the women who have their acts together. What I hear is that I need to "try harder." So I buy romance novels and movies to pretend like this want is less than it is. This struggle is being buried the more I travel on mission trips, the more I dive into the word, the more I follow Him.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want to be right a lot. Being wrong is something that is hard to accept for me. Sometimes it brings out an ugly side of me.

You would know that I like to play the Diablo games. And Unreal Tournament.

You would also know that I love listening to scores for movies. My favorite ones tend to be with animated movies because they are so creative and sound really joyful.

You would also know that I love cupcakes. That's probably the most important thing to know about me.

:D

A fun experience.

I'm here in LA for the next fall 2014 fashion week and God has been actin' so crazy. Basically, Models For Christ had a huge hand in the productions of these runway shows. One of the girls from our group was head of the dressers and another two of our girls became assistants to the director backstage. And the cool thing is that everybody pretty much knew who we were and why we were there.
We always pray each day before the day starts that we will be the source of light in this dark industry. That we would be gentle, kind, patient, peaceful people in an unorganized field of designers, models, and stylists being "fashionably late" all the time. I can't tell you how many times our group has heard how we are some of the best to work with because of how we behave. It's so wonderful to see the MFC girls let God use them and watch the joy that comes from it.

I have a fun story that I really want to share about what happened one night. Earlier in the week, we did a show called "Go Red." It was a charity show that supported heart disease and they had some reality tv celebs that were walking, although I didn't recognize most of  them. There was a few America's Next Top Model runner ups and Miss America, Universe, State, etc. girls. I ended up getting Miss Nevada 2013 to dress. She was a bombshell- just totally gorgeous. But I had no time to talk with her and we just didn't really connect. In the mean time, my good friend Shannon is chattin' it up with Kiara Belen, who was the runner up on America's Next Top Model's cycle 19 (college edition). Kiara was super cool and exchanged numbers with Shannon and ASKED ALL OF US TO COME TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY.

 

picture from: http://bijoux00.blogspot.com/2012/08/americas-next-top-model-19.html

So. Last night was her party but it was pretty hilarious because there were some discouraging things happening. We all get ready, lookin' super fly for a celeb party, and then realize, as we are standing around the tiny car that is our ride, we can't all fit in it. Mind you, we are already late because we took so long to get ready. So we split the group up, drive the car to a friends house, get the friends car, load up in that car, and sent one person back to pick up the rest while the other group continues on.

It got a little crazy.
Us four girls drive to Bel Air but none of us are from LA so we got really confused with the directions. We took some wrong turns, some of us we getting irritated and saying things that were not helping our situation. This whole outing was not working out very well.
It came down on us all at once that Satan probably didn't want us at this party. God made an awesome impact at fashion week and the enemy had enough of that. We prayed about it and everything got way better. The evil one still tried, though. One of the girls was getting more information on Models For Chirst out of her bag for a christian model and the latch on her purse was stuck. Satan is a jerk. She still got the information out though :)

The party was awesome. It was very small- maybe about 30 people were there and it seemed to be friends, family, and close co-workers (really crazy that Kiara invited us). It was on Carolwood drive, which is where Michael Jackson, Marylin Monroe, and Walt Disney once lived. Shannon and I found ourselves talking to the host of the party, Wayne Kao (a highly successful music producer and real estate investor), and telling him about Models For Christ. We told him how much we love volunteering for the fashion industry and he was interested in having us volunteer for some of his shindigs so we exchanged contact information, which is awesome because he is fully aware that we are active christians in our volunteer work.

Later on in the night, Kiara's agent took notice of one of the MFC girls and exchanged info with her because she is sooo gorgeous and definitely model material.
It's crazy how God had so much favor on us in this adventure.

Some of the dressers. Beautiful girls.

 

 

Our Models For Christ girls!

 

 

 

Struttin'.

 

 

Sittin' around. Lot's of time to build relationships and have fun!

 

 

 

Charity and Lauren. Two of our girls that became assistants to the director backstage. This was for the Hollywood Dolls show for kids.

 

 

Little cutie.

 

 

Lauren and Jessica. Perfect girls!

 

 

Jessica's note to us when someone stole the battery out of the car! :(

But it got sorted out :)

 

 

It gets really crowded in the dressing area. We still love it.

 

 

 

Getting a lovely model ready.

 

 

Awesome male show. This is the designer of Civil Society and some of the models. These guys were total goofs.

 

 

Got to meet this lovely lady from the Walking Dead.

 

 

MFC girls on a crazy couch at Kiara Belen's party.

 

 

The birthday girl :)

 

 

We stayed at a church where we all slept in the children's room on air mattresses. Lauren and Shannon thought this was the only way to deflate the mattresses... oh dear.

 

 

Finished the week off with the beach! Praise God for experiences like this trip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mercedes Benz Fashion Week!

It's been a nice long week since I've been home from New York. I miss my new friends and the city, but it's so good to be home!
God has been working mightily in the fashion industry. It's cool to see how much He actually loves it.
During fashion week, they set up tents at Lincoln Center. There are guards that stand out in front and check your cridentials to get in. Some shows don't require much. There was one show, however, that was turning away people that weren't on the list. My friends were determined to get into that one.
People start stepping aside, unable to gain acess. My friends get closer to the guard with the list. When it's their turn to explain their cridentials, the securtiy guard turns his back on them.

They walked right in.

It's like when God said Moses would be rescuing the people from Pharoah and Moses was like, "Yo, God... I can't. I'm trippin' with a studder. I can't speak boldy. The people are goin down if you think I am meant for this," and God says, "Bro, I've handpicked you. If you put your fears behind you, you're going to be so rad. Holla at a savior" (Exodus 4:10-12 LUV [Lauren's Urban Version]). God gave my friends exactly what they needed to get into that show. Because in that tent, they were able to share good news and be a calm spirit in an atmosphere full of judgement, status, and pressure.

My beautiful friend Jessica made this picture for her blog. She has a post about what a dresser's day is like. She's super encouraging! Here's some photos of us:

 

The cute girl in the middle is my new friend Shannon! I love her :)

 

 

 

 

We loved those little cupcakes :)

 

 

All the dressers!

 

Heres some pictures of the show I had the most fun at:

 

 

The show was called "the blonds."

 

 

These are the designers. The one on the right is a man named Philip. I know. He makes a pretty lady.

 

 

These were people in the audience... so crazy!

 

Carmen Electra was at the show! ...although I've not really seen any of her movies so I didn't think too much of seeing her.

 

It's a perfect place to care for people and show them love when they would never expect it. By the way, I'll probably be leaving for Los Angeles in March for LA Fashion week.

God is wild.

Livestream is pretty cool.

I'm going to NYC today! I'm so excited. My friend and partner in all of our shows informed me on Monday that we lost our housing because their roommate was coming home early, so we just prayed that we would find someone to take us in. And Jessica found someone! She lives really close to Lincoln Center too, which is great because that's where we'll be headed pretty much every day. She's also saying that she'll cook for us everyday and that is the sweetest thing because she'll save us so much money on food. Thanks Jesus!

Hey, you can watch the runways live! You won't see me, but you'll see the models we will be working with backstage. I hope you can tune in on one of them :)

Here's the shows I'm working that can be watched live (I hope).
Feb. 9th:     6pm- Alexandre Herchovitch (brazilian designer)

Feb. 10th:   5pm- Joanna Mastroianni (elegant womanswear)
                   10pm- Emerson By Jackie Fraser-Swan (boston-based designer)

Feb. 11th:   1pm- Pamella Roland (fall 2013 red carpet outfits)
                    6pm- Reem Acra (another red carpet collection)

Feb. 12th:   1pm- Diesel Black Gold (high-end hip brand)
                   5pm- Sophie Theallet (former CFDA/Vogue award-winner)
                   9:30pm- The Blonds (glitter and crystals)

Feb. 13th:   6:30pm- Clover Canyon (california casual with bright colors and prints)

The purple shows can be watched here. The red shows can be found on newyork.mbfashionweek.com

I'm pretty nervous, so please pray for me and the other volunteers, friends! Hopefully I can find time to keep the blog updated on the cool stories.

New York bound!

Hey! I'm going to New York!
I'm SO excited. And EXTREMELY nervous.
Here's what I'm doing: I am working with an organization called Models For Christ that is seeking to honor God in the fashion industry. From what it sounds like, I'll just be loving on models at the shows and helping them with anything they need and praying for them! I'll be working eleven shows!
It sounds so great.
But I'm also really nervous. This is my first time traveling alone. My parents seem really unsure of this trip, which makes me question it all the time. I'm not really sure where I'm staying yet. Or how I'll afford meals every day. And not to mention (this is something I have yet to confess on the blog), I'll be dressing models back stage and I am very uncomfortable with nakedness.
Yeah...
Backstage dresser. And I can't stand nudity. I always look up movies on IMDB before I watch them and check the parental control section to see if any nudity is present. I get all uncomfortable with sensual scenes especially if they are acted out really well.
It feels so personal. It's like I'm getting involved in a very intimate part of a relationship. Even if it's not real.

So I'll be challenged. And that's a big reason why I'm going. When I challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone, God reveals the CRAZIEST stuff to me. I've never experienced anything more fantastic. But I am so stubborn. I love being comfortable. It's so easy to stay where I am in my relationship with God.
But that's not what being a follower of God is. He never said it's easy to follow Him. It takes dropping all the sinful stuff and putting it to death. Putting to rest all those crappy things I am tempted with, and walking with God.
Sometimes it sucks. I'm just being honest. Some people think I'm an absolute idiot. That I'm brainwashed. I don't think for myself and the fairytale of God just makes life easier for me to go through. And that I'm a "goody two-shoes." May I remind you, I have genitals and a mind that is wired the same way yours is. It may seem like I'm all pure up in here...nope. It's not all crafts and bible scriptures bouncing around in there.

It sucks hearing what the world thinks about Jesus. It's very tempting to become a hermit and just do nothing about my faith and hide it away. Live a life looking out for my own skin.

Ahhh that's just too easy. I'm not doing that. Living life for Jesus is full of so much danger and uncertainty. It's a recipe for adventure. I follow him no matter what my finances are or my relationships are like. Where I am at with my job and in my schooling. I trust that He knows me best. He'll lead me into a life better than I've ever set out for myself.

So I accept the challenge. I invite the uncertainty of finances in. The cluelessness I'll experience when I step into the airport. The confidence I'll need for working in a fast-paced atmosphere. The redness that will come to my cheeks as I see someones badonk-a-donk.

Ah yes. Here we go. Come Lord Jesus.

Thankful.

Back again!

Whew. Took a long pause this November… and much of December.

I’ll give you the low-down of life since then:

Finished my last class needed for applying to the dental hygiene program.
Applied to the program (and felt darn good about it).
Got my job back at Joann’s (awesome because I never realized how much I love it there most of the time).

 …and that’s about it. I have no further excuses other than that I started watching The Vampire Diaries and got totally addicted. Team Damon. That’s all I have to say about that.

 I skipped Thanksgiving and the whole “I’m thankful for this and that” trend. Gosh, reading that back, I sound horrible. And it’s true- that’s a low thing to say. I felt like in everyone did it because that’s just what you do around that holiday, so it’s not really genuine.

But that’s just a load of crap-o-la. It’s an excuse for me to not think on all the great things God has given me. See, that’s kind of a huge flaw of mine.

 I’m not a very thankful person.

I take things for granted big time.

I don’t cherish what I have.

I don’t go to God and say thanks for the amazing comfy house I live in and the huge bed I sleep in every night. Or the fact that I have a desk in my room filled with tons of beading supplies, fun paper, cool stamps, and every ink color imaginable to keep me happily busy with my crafting hobby. Or that I have lovely friends. An amazing, supportive, encouraging family. A handsome, super nice fiancé.

 I’ve got a King of Kings blessing me over and over again, and I often forget to turn around and say, “Hey man. Thanks for that one. You really got me covered.”

 See, what I really say to Him is, “I really need this.”

“I need help with that.”
“Seriously? Why did you just do that to me?”
“Can you be a little nicer to me?”
“Will you answer a prayer once an a while?? K thanks.”

 He needs to smack me in the face.

And He did.

But not in the “Get it together!” movie scene slap. It was a “check out how good you’ve got it. Watch this,” kind of slap.

I was sitting in a lovely Christmas service at Rochester Church of Christ just yesterday and I was squished in between my sister and Davy. If you are ever around them, you’ll see them poking, pushing, punching, pinching, etc., each other. They have such a brother-sister bond it’s not even funny. It’s scary. It’s too good to be true.

We sat there, singing wonderful praises in Christmas songs to Jesus (they were actually behaving at this time), when all of a sudden I feel my sister loop her arm around mine while Davy put his arm around me on the other side. Both gestures at the same time.

Oh, Lord Jesus.

So good to me.

In that moment, I felt so blessed I wanted to cry. I wanted to burst into tears and tell Him how thankful I am for EVERYTHING. And how sorry I was at my bitter attitude during Thanksgiving.

 I felt so much love in that moment between my sister and my fiancé. I can only imagine how good it will feel when God puts His arms around me.

 You guys. He’s so good. He’s not going to hunt you down and haunt you if you lose sight of Him. He’s in love with you. He’s going to keep loving you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

 Accept it. Embrace it. Let yourself feel the joy.

You need it.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures of me and my friends having an awesome time over the summer. I'm going to thank God for these happy moments today.

So thankful for friends that will act totally rediculous with me.

I don't care about my face in this. Randy is on the ground like a rollie pollie. I must share it.

Blurry yet lovely. My sister. I love her.

And then Randy photobombs.

And then Jenna joins :)



Weirdos at the cider mill.

Randy contemplates life. I talk him out of it. We travel into the woods. I do parkour over a log. He photobombs again:

Hey there Davy ;)

Love that man of mine.

Chelsea and my dad. Two fantastic people.

 I think this is a very good picture of her. She's beautiful.

He opened my eyes and I’ll be thanking Him from now on.

Have a happy Christmas, beautiful friends.